i havent been posting much in my blogs over the last few weeks… anything i’ve been needing to say, I’ve either kept to myself, or told to individually to friends and family. i’ve been working on changing medications…. or possibly even trying to function without them. Basically, I’ve been on zoloft for a few years now… trying to cope with depression (which appears to be hereditary in my family). For years, I never would deal with it… and it finally got so bad in the late 90′s that I had to get help… or I knew that I wouldn’t make it. And asking for help is something that I rarely do. I’m also not one to take medicine, unless I firmly believe that I can’t do without. I’ve had a form of arthritis since I was 6, and have never done anything to stop the pain.
So, I’ve been on a series of different medications for several years now, and decided that I would try and see how I did without any external help. In order to do this, I had to ween myself off of zoloft (I was on 150mg daily), by lowering my dosage by 50mg for a week at a time, and then take NOTHING for at least a week, to get it completely out of my system.
I started a daily log (on my palm pilot), of what I was dealing with during this time….
2004.06.17
some background info:
Depression runs MAJORLY in my family. l can count 3 generations of my family (mother’s side) suffering from this.
I’ve been on zoloft for maybe 4 years now, and used paxil for 1+ years before that. l should’ve sought help before then, and I’ve come to the realization that l was fortunate for dealing with it when l did.
For the last 2 years, my dosage has been 150mg.
I’ve been thinking about changing my medication for awhile now and have considered it more seriously after seeing how members of my family reacted positively to Lexapro.
l’ve tried to lower my dosages by myself recently, with negative results. After a week taking 100 mg, I had a sudden manic attack, and barely stopped crying for 2 days. I honestly hadn’t had felt that helpless in nearly 6 years, and I was really scared. This is how I used to be. This was almost the end of me before, l cannot deal with this again. l couldn’t stop shaking for a full day. I returned to my regular dosage, and knew that I had to talk to my doctor before trying this again.
Information of SSRI Discontinuation Sydrome can be found here.
2004.06.18
talked to dr about changing from zoloft to lexapro.
Learned that before l can start the new medicine, l have to go cold turkey for a week, gradually lowering my dosage from where it currently is.
Game plan:
5-7 days: 100mg zoloft
5-7 days: 50mg zoloft
(optional) 5-7 days: 25mg zoloft
5 days: 0 mg
then l start 10mg dosages of lexapro.
The optional part depends on how I’m handling things. If l think l need a little extra buffer, l have that option.
6/18 – 100mg (day 1)
2004.06.19
l’m feeling anxiety, scared of how l will react. Zoloft is a tough drug to come off of, ranking right below Prozac in terms of difficulty.
l’ve hardly been drinking at all over the last month, and that’s going to help alot.
My blood pressure has been increasing as well (l’m treating that as well). I’m going to focus on changing that medication after my current problems are remedied. Of course, my blood pressure may decrease naturally once l start feeling better mentally. As it stands, l’ve been exercising more, watching what i eat, and have lost 6 lbs over the past few weeks.
When l start to get stressed or anxious, l get the shakes. My teeth start chattering uncontrollably. Not pleasant.
6/19 – 100mg (day 2)
2004.06.20
1:48 am – I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin. Anxiety. Cold sweat. Emotional outbursts.
6pm – l feel fine early in the mornings, but it starts to get worse as the day progresses. It was just suggested that maybe I should start taking my meds in the morning instead of before going to sleep. That makes sense.
I’ve been spending time away from home, even if it’s just sitting somewhere else reading. That seems to give me something to do instead of just sitting and letting my mind wander.
I’ve also been sleeping alot more than normal.
6/20 – 100mg (day 3)
2004.06.21
11am – Slept through my alarm this morning, woke up at 8am exactly. Got ready and out the door within 10 minutes… not a good way to start the day… my teeth didn’t stop chattering like mad for 2 hours. I’m still shakey.
Another thing. When I’m feeling bad, I tend to rub. Usually my thumb/forefinger together on my left hand, but will branch out to rubbing my hand, objects, etc. Not sure what to make of that…. but it’s how I’ve reacted for years.
I started using my pillbox again… mainly so that i can see my progress, and what dosage I should take each night.
It helps keep me focused.
6/21 – 100mg (day 4).
2004.06.22
Feeling good, except for dousing my new laptop with water. Hopefully it will dry out overnight.
Got energetic and painted my bathroom.
6/22 – 100mg (day 5).
2004.06.23
11am – I think I’ll be dropping down to 50mg tonight. Feeling really shakey, and tense, and like I could just scream any second now. My teeth are chattering… i’m getting paranoid of things, mainly just worrying way to much about things… life, love, relationships, little things, big things…. to the point where my stomach is knotting up just thinking about things. and i’m trying to not think about things… I know I’ll just get bent out of shape.
9pm – every little thing that i do is wrong, at least in my mind
Later… Total emotional outburst. l think l lost consciousness at one point. l remember saying SOMETHlNG but l can’t remember what, but l do remember being embarrassed.
50mg (day 1)
2004.06.24
9am – feeling lightheaded, somewhat dizzy. i haven’t really had much of an appetite lately either. I’ll take a few bites of something, after just feeling absolutely starved, and can’t stomach the thought of eating.
haven’t really been drinking much water or anything either. trying to choke down water by force, just to get something in my system.
my mind can’t really focus very well. i think i’ll take tomorrow (friday) off of work, so I can stay home, and take care of things.
50mg (day 2)
Palm broke, so I quit making entries. I decided to go a full week on 50mg, mainly because I forgot the count. hahaha
06-25: 50mg (day 3)
06-26: 50mg (day 4)
06-27: 50mg (day 5)
06-28: 50mg (day 6)
06-29: 50mg (day 7)
2004.06-30 – 2004.07.06 (written afterwards)
A week without any medication. I couldn’t tell if what I was feeling was from withdrawl, depression, or both. Constantly fluctuating… my mood, attitude, everything. One day is great, the next is miserable. I was constantly aggitated, very irritable, and came close to picking some fights. I got into a screaming match with the cats. Not pleasant. I honestly didn’t think I would make it. I hadn’t felt this distraught, miserable, and destructive in YEARS. I really tried to continue on without starting my new medication, but it got to the point where I knew it would become too unbearable before much longer.
I started my new medication (lexapro) on Tuesday, June 6th. Several members of my family is on it, and it’s doing wonders for them. It’s now Saturday the 10th.
I can feel like it’s starting to work…. at least somewhat. I still find myself having occasional outbursts, undescribable pressure in my head, and well… things that you have no idea about, unless you’ve lived through it firsthand.
One realization… I have a ton of friends, who always call me, write me, stop by…. needing someone to listen to their problems, and help them out. Alot of these friends knew what I’m dealing with, and trying to work out…. But what I came to find out, was that not many of these friends were willing to help me out. I only had a few people who were physically there for me, when I was having intense breakdowns, and needing someone. Only a few people actually messaged me, or called me to checkup on me. Friends who said “call me anytime, if you need me”, never returned the calls. When you’re already feeling alone, this type of response just validates what you fear the most.
I’m just trying to put myself back together – one moment at a time. It’s rough. I thought I conquered this years ago. There’s nothing anyone can really say or do to get me through this. Nor is how I’m feeling anyone’s fault. It just happens sometimes. I’m just having to wait things out, until my system works itself out. In the meantime, i’m surving through the help of a few friends, and a personal urge to continue on.
