found this online… it’s a great little photoshop:
Sep 082005
Aug 132005
Police Search Of Backpack Yields Explosive Bestseller
NEW YORK—Officers from the New York City Police Department evacuated the Union Square subway station and suspended all train service Monday after a random search of a passenger’s backpack revealed an explosive bestseller.
As of press time, bomb-disposal teams were still reviewing the threat.
New York City Police Chief Raymond Kelly said officers performing bag checks at the southwest entrance to the station apprehended a Caucasian male in his mid-20s who was attempting to board a train carrying a small, brick-like object at 8:45 a.m. Kelly withheld the suspect’s name and the title of the must-read page-turner.
“The suspect has been charged with possession of a dangerously hard-hitting bombshell,” Kelly said. “Still at large is the mastermind behind the plot. We intend to bring this co-conspirator into custody before he can strike again with a shocking sequel.”
He added: “It’s possible that this thriller’s devastating conclusion will hit like a ton of TNT.”
A blurb on the back cover of the novel has been traced to Deja Dead author Kathy Reichs. In the blurb, Reichs described the Union Square novel as “literary dynamite.” Authorities would not comment on what, if any, charges Reichs faces.
Although many blockbuster scares turn out to be nothing more than a ream of overheated typing with a menacing cover, officials said they are exercising great caution in handling this incendiary thriller.
“We’re keeping our eyes peeled for clever devices,” NYPD bomb-squad leader Roy Czulewicz said. “But many bestsellers have been known to hold people captive for hours with rapid-fire prose. Once you pick them up, you suddenly find you can’t put them down.”
The Union Square bestseller is the latest in a series of dramatic items discovered in New York since random subway bag searches began. On July 27, a hip-hop CD containing over 75 F-bombs led to the suspension of train service for 18 hours. And, on Aug. 2, a fiery burst of cinnamon freshness was discovered in a pack of Trident left on a Long Island Railroad car by perpetrators unknown.
Jul 312005
this made me laugh, hard:
from http://blogs.sun.com/roller/page/ThinGuy?entry=the_war_on_terror_as
The War on Terror
As viewed from the Bourne shell.
$ cd /middle_east
$ ls
Afghanistan Iraq Libya Saudi_Arabia UAE
Algeria Israel Morrocco Sudan Yemen
Bahrain Jordan Oman Syria
Egypt Kuwait Palestine Tunisia
Iran Lebanon Qatar Turkey
$ cd Afghanistan
$ ls
bin Taliban
$ rm Taliban
rm: Taliban is a directory
$ cd Taliban
$ ls
soldiers
$ rm soldiers
$ cd ..
$ rmdir Taliban
rmdir: directory “Taliban”: Directory not empty
$ cd Taliban
$ ls -a
. .. .insurgents
$ chown -R USA .*
chown: .insurgents: Not owner
$ cd ..
$ su
Password: *******
# mv Taliban /tmp
# exit
$ ls
bin
$ cd bin
$ ls
laden
$ cd ..
$ rm -r bin/laden
bin/laden: No such file or directory
$ find / -name laden
$
$ su
Password: *******
# mv bin /tmp
# exit
$ pwd
/middle_east/Afghanistan
$ cd ..
$ ln -s /Bad_Guys/Al_Qaeda Iraq/.
ln: cannot create Iraq/Al_Qaeda: Permission denied
$ su
Password:*******
# ln -s /Bad_Guys/Al_Qaeda Iraq/.
# cd Iraq/Al_Qaeda
Al_Qaeda: does not exist
# rm Iraq/Al_Qaeda
# mkfile 100g Iraq/Al_Qaeda
mkfile: No space left on device
# rm Iraq/Al_Qaeda
# mkfile 1b Iraq/Al_Qaeda
# chown -R USA:Proof Iraq/Al_Qaeda
#exit
$ cd Iraq
$ ls
saddam
$ ls
saddam
$ ls
saddam
$ ls -a
. .. saddam
$ find / -name [Ww][Mm][Dd]
/korea/north/wMd
$ wall Propaganda.txt
Broadcast Message from USA (pts/1) on USS_Abraham_Lincoln Th May 1st
Mission Accomplished!
$ rm saddam
saddam: No such file or directory
$ find / -name saddam
/var/opt/dictators/spiderhole/saddam
$ wall NewsWorthy.txt
Broadcast Message from USA (pts/1) on Time.Magazine Sat Dec 13
We Got Him!
$ mv /var/opt/dictators/spiderhole/saddam /opt/jail
$ cd /opt/USA
$ cp -Rp Democracy /middle_east/Iraq
$ cd /middle_east/Iraq/Democracy
$ ./install
Install Error: Install failed. See install_log for details.
$ more install_log
Installed failed!
Prerequisite packages missing
Conflicting package Wahhabism found in /midde_east/Saudi_Arabia
Packages Church and State must be installed separately
File System /PeakOil nearing capacity
Please read the install guide to properly plan your installation.
$
Jul 242005
” ‘There was no need to stick the wand in that hard,’ he said gruffly, clambering to his feet. ‘It hurt.’” (p. 64)
“Just as he raised a gloved hand to wipe them, Leanne made to grab hold of the package Katie was holding; Katie tugged it back and the package fell to the ground.” (p. 248)
“Very astute, Harry, but the mouth organ was only ever a mouth organ.” (p. 278)
“…a hole opened in the middle of all the tentaclelike branches; Hermione plunged her arm bravely into this hole, which closed like a trap around her elbow; Harry and Ron tugged and wrenched at the vines, forcing the hole to open again, and Hermione snatched her arm free, clutching in her fingers a pod just like Neville’s… the gnarled stump sat there looking like an innocently dead lump of wood.” (p. 281)
“‘Pass me a bowl,’ said Hermione, holding the pulsating pod at arm’s length” (ibid.)
“‘I’m his Head of House, and I shall decide how hard, or otherwise, to be,’ said Snape curtly.” (p. 320)
“Lupin burst out laughing. ‘Sometimes you remind me a lot of James. He called it my ‘furry little problem’, in company.’” (p. 335)
” ‘Oh, hang on — password. Abstinence.’
‘Precisely,’ said the Fat Lady in a feeble voice, and swung forward to reveal the portrait hole.” (p. 351)
” ‘I dunno,’ said Harry. ‘Maybe it’s better when you do it yourself, I didn’t enjoy it much when Dumbledore took me along for the ride.’ ” (p. 355)
” ‘You see?’ Dumbledore said quietly, holding his wand a little higher. Harry saw a fissure in the cliff into which dark water was swirling.
‘You will not object to getting a little wet?’
‘No,’ said Harry.
‘Then take off your Invisibility Cloak — there is no need for it now — and let us take the plunge.’ ” (p. 556)
” ‘We need to penetrate the inner place… Now it is Lord Voldemort’s obstacles that stand in our way, rather than those nature made…’ ” (p. 558)
from http://www.livejournal.com/users/colddoggjuice/ (found via boingboing)
40 Things That Only Happen In Movies
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
Jun 142005
bad michael jackson joke I was just told…
Q: You know when bedtime is at the Neverland Ranch??
A: When the big hand touches the little hand
Apr 222005
Mar 272005
One night, after a long evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual.
On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living crap out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, “I thought you’d be tougher than that, Batman.”
Mar 112005
(CBS) CBS News Anchor Dan Rather has stepped down from the Evening News anchor desk. Here are some of his most famous ‘Ratherisms.’
“Oh you hear that knocking…President Bush’s re-election is at the door.”
“This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex.”
“His lead is as thin as turnip soup.”
“This race is humming along like Ray Charles.”
“The presidential race is swinging like Count Basie.”
“This race is hotter than the Devil’s anvil.”
“Ohio becomes like a sauna for the two candidates. All they can do is wait and sweat.”
“One’s reminded of that old saying, ‘Don’t taunt the alligator until after you’ve crossed the creek.’”
“This situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache.”
“Bush is sweeping through the South like a big wheel through a cotton field.”
“What Kerry needs at this point is the equivalent of Tom Brady coming off the bench to rescue him. But it’s still too close to call.”
“No question now that Kerry’s rapidly reaching the point where he’s got his back to the wall, his shirttails on fire and the bill collector’s at the door.”
“John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55 or 60-yard field goal to win this.”
(To Joe Lockhart) “I know that you’d rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio.”
(To Joe Lockhart) “What about Michigan? It’s been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?”
“This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half.”
“Let’s see where it goes from here. Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows.”
“We keep talking about Ohio if you’ve been tuning in and out or you put the baby to bed or you went to pop the cap on an adult, or otherwise, beverage…”
“We used to say if a frog had side pockets, he’d carry a handgun.”
“No one is saying that George Bush is not going to win the election, and if you had to bet the double-wide, you’d have to bet that he’d win.”
“In southern states they beat him like a rented mule.”
“If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done you can get yourself burned.”
“We need Billy Crystal to Analyze This”
“You know that old song, ‘it’s delightful, it’s delicious, it’s de-lovely’ for President Bush in most areas of the country.”
“We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that.”
“In some ways, George Bush’s lead is as thin as November ice.”
“Put on a cup of coffee, this race isn’t going to be over for a while.”
“You look at the map and say it’s all a big Bush victory. But this is one time when your Mother is right, looks can be deceiving.”
“John Kerry’s moon has just moved behind a cloud, as far as Florida is concerned.”
On Kerry’s chances: “To use a metaphor, he’s gotta draw to an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get lucky and hit that straight.”
“Is it like a swan, with every feather above the water settled, but under the water paddling like crazy?”
“What you have here is the football equivalent of a fourth quarter rally by Kerry.”
The election is “closer than Lassie and Timmy”
“Keep in mind they are teetotally meetmortally convinced they have Ohio won.”
“Vice President Dick Cheney would not have flown all the way out there (Hawaii) overnight and put that lei around his
neck and sort of hula-danced, if you will, unless he thought there was a chance of carrying that out there.”
“President Bush smiling there with his family. He’s laid down aces so far.”
“You can almost hear the GOP (deep breathing sound). We’re getting within maybe smelling distance.”
“We don’t know what to do. We don’t know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon.”
On how the results are affecting strategists: “It’s one reason so many of them drink a lot.”
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), on being congratulated on victory by Rather: “Thanks Dan, I always believe you.”
Rather: “Now, ladies and gentleman, if you believe that, you’ll believe rocks can grow.”
Quotes from Dan Rather on Election Night 2002
“Could be game set and match Republicans.”
“They’re about first and goal from 4 yards out.”
“Tight as the pages in a book.”
“President Bush is hoping to ace his first midterm.”
“Crackling like a hickory fire.”
“Two hands worth of white knuckle still hanging ten.”
“Reminds you of that old Will Rogers line, it takes a lot of money just to get beaten.”
“It’s beginning to get exciting as the Democrats’ fingernails are starting to sweat”
Quotes from Dan Rather on Election Night 2000
“This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O.”
“Turn the lights down, the party just got wilder.”
“It’s cardiac-arrest time in this presidential campaign.”
“He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park.”
“Don’t bet the trailer money yet.”
“It’s too early to say he has the whip hand.”
“Now Florida, that race, the heat from it is hot enough to peel house paint.”
“It’s a ding dong battle back and forth.”
“If he doesn’t carry Florida Slim will have left town.”
“If a frog had side pockets, he’d carry a hand gun.”
“They both have champagne on ice, but after the night is over, they might need a pick axe to open them.”
“This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.”
“It’s about as complicated as a wiring diagram to some dynamo.”
“Only votes talk everything else walks.”
“This will show you how tight it is it’s spandex tight.”
“We’re going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago.”
“He’s going to find that people will hang on him like a coat rack.”
“This election swings like one of those pendulum things.”
“This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a ’55 Ford.”
“What we know is that there will be no decision until some of those races are decided.”
“Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirt tails on fire with this race in Florida.”
“You talk about a ding-dong, knock-down, get-up race.”
“When it comes to a race like this, I’m a long distance runner and an all-day hunter.”
“It’s the American way: if you don’t vote, you don’t get to whine.”
“Smelling salts for all Democrats please.”
“Maybe you can bring some perspective on this, we’re plum out.”
“When the going gets weird, anchor men punt.”
“Tipper is probably telling her husband to hook a U, go back to the house to get a recount.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re a Democrat, Republican or a mug wamp, elected officials play it straight.”
“Florida is the whole deal, the real deal, a big deal.”
“The presidential race still hotter than a Laredo parking lot.”
“These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage.”
“It was as hot and squalid as a New York elevator in August.”
“Bush has run through Dixie like a big wheel through a cotton field.”
“This will have the people in Austin standing up like they got stuck with hat pins.”
“…in Austin, between the 10 gallon hats and the Willie Nelson head bands.”
“The big burrito out there in California”
“They’ll be doing back flips in Nashville.”
“It would be Shakespearean for Al Gore to lose because of his home state.”
“I think you would likelier see a hippopotamus run through this room than see George Bush appoint Ralph Nader to
the Cabinet.”
“None of this television mumbo jumbo, let’s get in there and count the votes.”
“Frankly we don’t know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon.”
“We’ve lived by the crystal ball, we’re eating so much broken glass. We’re in critical condition.”